Singing the Passport Blues

I have to call it for what it is.  It's Lily and it's me.  Separately, we function in life pretty well.  It's not fabulous, but we manage.  Put us together, and things go a bit pear-shaped.   When Lily and I set off to do something simple, it get's complicated.  I end up sporting a solid line of Underground door grease down my front and back while trying to hold the Tube door open for Lily, or we sit four hours on the York Road trying to get to the State Fairgrounds for Lily to get her Covid vaccine in what usually serves as the cowshed.    Take the recent trip to the post office to get Lily's passport renewed as the latest example of what happens when Lily and I do our thing.

John got us ready to go - paperwork in order, check book ready, various forms of ID to hand, including a copy of Lily's birth certificate printed in full color on one side, and a 2nd grade worksheet printed on the back.   He even made the appointment for us, drove to work to leave a car on campus so Lily could swing by the house to pick me up.  Before leaving, he outlined what needed to happen and when.  What could go wrong?  What indeed!

We arrived in plenty of time for our 11:30am appointment.  The family in line before us were being handled by a very nice postal worker called Cindy.  They were excited about going to Bermuda except the teenager, whom Lily and I quickly dubbed, "The Unfortunate One."  Blessed with a gene pool that only a mother could love,  TUO was on her cell phone, madly chewing her hair.  She mumbled on and on about why she wasn't excited about going; it was quite a list.  We all listened politely while Lily texted me a series of unflattering commentary, mostly commiserating with the poor parents, who tried to exercise what little parenting power they had to ignore, then edit and finally shut down their ungrateful child.

During all this, I noticed that Cindy, our friendly postal operative, was starting to look a little flustered.  "Do you need passport photos today?" she asked.  Why yes, we do.  Cindy shook her head sadly, "The photo printer is broken.   You'll have to go to Walgreens."

Making snap decisions without thinking them through is a forte of mine.  Following snap decisions without question, is a strength of Lily's.  "Go to Walgreens, get your photos, come back immediately, if not sooner.  I'll stay in line and process your paperwork."  Seemed a reasonable division of duties given that it was Lily's mugshot that was needed.  So off she went, neither one of us spotting the problem with this ad hoc plan.

You see, I left the house ill-prepared for this little adventure. I thought it would take less than an hour.   I left without water, food, car, walking shoes or, and I hate to admit this, my cellphone. (I can just hear John and Zoë right now).   So, I settled down to watch the little theatre going on at the Passport Desk and waited for Lily to reappear.   We were now radio-silent and Lily had the car.

While I waited, about eight people come through to get their passports renewed and not one had a photo.  Cindy sent everyone off to Walgreens.   Ten minutes later, the dad of The Unfortunate One, called in to the mom, who was doing line duty at the post office.  He reported, "In the middle of last night, Walgreens lost power and it's messed up their computer, and so we can't get a photo done."  The TUO mom quickly relayed this new information to all around.  Five minutes later, her family showed up, she hopped in the van and off they went to the other Walgreen. 

No sign of Lily.

The next family in line were not terribly nice.  Seems they had booked their appointment to coincide exactly with a very important phone call that the very important Dad must take this very minute.  The Mum, all attitude and fake eyelashes, batted those things at Cindy.  Cindy, the postal operative, assumed an air of, "I couldn't care less," and told the family that they will need to chose which is more important - getting the passport or taking the call, because she has other people in front of them and can't predict how long it's going to take because the dumb-ass photo printer is broken."  Not to be put off, Eyelashes asked again how long will it be?  "When's your appointment?" asks Cindy.  "11:45" comes the tart reply.  "Okay then, I'll see you in 12 minutes."  Eyelashes shook her head and walked off reeking of discontent  Cindy continued processing Lily's application all this time and turned her attention to me.  "Okay, I'm wondering about this birth certificate with the worksheet on the back.  I don't think we should use it.  Let's use the expired passport instead.  When Lily comes back with her photos, I'll have Lily sign her application.  And now, I'm on break," she smiles, "I'll be back at 11:45am."  And with that we both departed leaving Eyelashes waiting with her huffy children and very important husband.

So I go outside to wait.  It seems like FOREVER.   Then I decide I might try walking home; it's not that far.   At the corner of Route 1, a main artery that goes from Maine to the Keys, I  realize that I don't have water or proper walking shoes.  There's no sidewalk and the chance of being hit by a truck thundering by is real.  So, I turn around and head back to the post office cursing the fact that I failed to bring my phone.  By this point, I'm wondering where is Lily?  Is it possible that she doesn't know how to get back to the post office, she being directionally challenged?  The answer is yes.  It is possible.   A little seed of anxiety plants itself in my chest.  

I get back to the post office.  Cindy has been joined by Pete.  Pete is trying to fix the photo printer.  He is pulling meters and meters of what looks like saran wrap out of the busted machine. I don't comment but amuse myself by thinking up witty little trifles to pun with.  Finally, I do comment.  I say, "Look's like you've got things wrapped up Pete.  Just cling on!"  He looks at me like"Is that supposed to be funny?" and says nothing.  Cindy on the other hand, thinks it's hysterical.  It wasn't that funny, but given how today is turning out, the bar is low.  

Pete has had a night on the tiles and is having trouble keeping his eyelids open.  I can tell this because his eyelids keep closing and he smells powerfully of stale whiskey.  A person could get inebriated on his sour breath that keeps wafting my way.    Plus he's swaying ever so slightly.  Every few minutes, he gets that cling film stuff back on the role and then shoves it back into the machine and tries to start things up.  There's a curious crunching sound.  We all stare at the printer.  The printer shudders to a stop.  Pete sighs heavily and opens up the machine to remove the cling film, which now is bunched up like a used tissue.  

Lily reappears.  Thank the good Lord.

I decide to play it cool like I haven't been having panic attacks about being stranded at the passport office for the rest of the day and then, being denied access to the phone, having to walk home after all and getting hit by a truck and found days later in a gutter somewhere north of here, shoeless.  

Lily has been having her own adventure.  After going to the Elkridge Walgreens (the one that lost power in the night), she went to Walgreens in Arbutus.  They too, it appears, had a power cut in the night.  Their machine is messed up as well.  They can't take her picture.  "Don't you think that's weird, Mum?" says our Lily.  "Do all Walgreens share one power cable or something?"  

Next, our Lily takes her life in her hands and goes up to CVS on Maiden Choice.  There she meets an itinerant gentleman who appears to have been on a serious bender, and has just woken up from a three-day nap.  He reeks of weed and seems a little confused.  He asks Lily what day it is.  He shouts that he needs to be taken to the hospital.  Three nice police officers appear like magic and whisk the gentleman off, presumably to the hospital to get sorted out.   Good news!  CVS has a working photo printer.  The first take didn't work because Lily smiled.  "You can't smile," says the bored CVS worker.  The second shots work.

Meanwhile back at the Passport Desk, the not very nice family has just been told about the printer.  They are not happy.  The mum gets on her cell, has a brisk conversation with someone with a very loud voice as we can hear both ends of the conversation, snaps her cell phone shut and says, "Come on, Lucy is setting up her photographic equipment; she'll do our photos for us.  Let's get out of here."  And they're gone, not before giving a parting "eyelash bash" at Cindy.   "But they'll be back and when they do, I'll still be on break," Cindy says with a giggle!

The next person steps up, a rather good-looking young man who looks middle-eastern.  I say this because it occurred to me, while I was watching the interview between he and Cindy, that it has to be hard to be a young American citizen of middle-eastern heritage trying since last October to renew a passport.  He has just received his application back for the second time with a note saying, "Send money next time."  

"The thing is, you see," he tells Cindy, "I've paid for the passport twice now and I really don't want to pay a third time."  Cindy looks at him kindly and you can tell she wants to help him but doesn't know how.  "See, I'm just a postal worker," she says by way of explanation.  "I just send on the checks and postal orders, so I just don't know what to do."  They stare at each other for what seems like an age.  He breaks first. "Is there any way I can get my money back on the postal order?  You know, begin again like?"  Cindy's face broke into a wreathe of smiles, "Yes, yes, that's what we'll do, we'll start again."  She directs him over to the main post office and tells Herbie to, "Put a tracer on that PO will you, let's find out what State has done with this poor man's money."    

She turns to me positively beaming.  "It's nuts around here," she says, "I am so sorry but we still don't have a photo printer."  "No worries," I say,  "Lily was successful."  Lily slaps the two snaps of her unsmiling self on to the counter.  "Where did you get them?" Cindy says in awe.  Lily tells her about her misadventures.   

Meanwhile, Pete the Photo Printer repair man pulls out another roll of what looks like film on a massive spool, which has folded itself into an accordion and says, "Might have to just call it a day here."  He listens while fiddling some more with the spool, "Ah," he says, "What if the roll is in backwards?" Cindy gives him a withering look, "Backwards, frontwards, let's just turn it off."  "Nah' I'm not going to let this piece of junk beat me."

Cindy sighs, "Typical, they give us all this, but they don't tell us how it works.  Well, let's get you out of here."  With that she recites an oath that Lily has to agree to and then sign.   Cindy signs the form and says with vast satisfaction, "You're all done here."  Pete gives a low whistle, "I think I've done it."  He pushes the button on the machine and paper starts spewing out, sounding not unlike that Chuck E. Cheese machine that munches your tickets when you cash them in for a prize.   "Dang," says Pete, "Is that what it's supposed to do?"   "I think you should just turn it off and leave it," says Cindy.  She turns to us and apologizes again.

"You know what Cindy," I say, feeling that she needs a word of encouragement,  "you are doing a great job here.  Thank you!  You can only do so much if you don't have the equipment you need or it's not working."

"Yep, and it would help if Pete knew what he was doing too!" she laughs. 

"Also I've noticed that about 50 percent of the people who have come through today, were not very nice, and I'm sorry about that."

"That's how it is.  I have my way of dealing with folks like that.  But, if you don't see me again, it's because today was my last day.  I quit." says Cindy.  With that we all laugh (I think she was joking), Pete's breath wafting over us as Lily and I head for the door.  

We hope to receive Lily's expedited passport within 5-7 weeks, just a week shy of when we will need it to travel to Italy to see our beloved Joshua marry his beloved Erminia.   Fingers crossed that it comes because I haven't a clue what to do if it doesn't.  

And neither does Cindy.