Entering The Crone Years: Some Pearls of Wisdom

Truths that are True ~

When you are old and saggy, you’ll regret not being kinder to your teenager body.  You'll look at pictures of your 26-year old self, or if you are more daring, of your 16-year-old self wearing an impossibly cute bikini and looking all "foxy" as they said back in my day, and you will say, "Hmmm, I didn't look as bad as I thought."  

After you come to terms with your aging body, try to talk yourself in to believing that being saggy and droopy ain’t bad.  As they say, it's better than the alternative, although I have never understood that phrase.  In this case, the alternative would be that 16-year old in the red and white two-piece with the taut, flat tummy.  Oh well.

As Tom Conte says in the movie, Shirley Valentine, "Stretch marks are lines of love."

Also you can stop worrying about what everyone else thinks when they look at you because no one is looking.  And that's okay too.  Because now you can release your inner Bo-Ho look, or passion for head-to-toe purple, or your view that all those flea market brooches you buy actually look better when you wear all of them all.at.once.  It's sort of like the Christmas Tree effect and one my family is well known for.  I am but the next generation to buy into it.

A professor of mine, after listening to me tearfully fret about breaking up with my boyfriend whom I believed to be my one-and-only, said, "There is no such thing Dawn.  You are compatible with 1 in 5 so get back out there and make a better choice next time."  

My college president refined this thought by adding, "There is no such thing as the Only One.  Instead, you make that person your One and Only."   I have turned down 3 proposals of marriage. I accepted the 4th.  He is my Only One, who has become my One and Only.

When people keep asking when you’re going to have that baby, tell them you’re barren (straight from the mouth of our sage family matriarch, Grandma Lance).

Adding children to the family is not addition, but exponential math.  You will only understand this if you have more than 2 children. 

When you've got the hang of kid #1 and think you've got this down, kid #2  will be the exact opposite and will laugh in your face as you bemoan the fact that, "Well, it worked for Number 1."

If your first kid is a piece of cake, your second one will test every fibre of your being.  Seriously consider stopping at one. If you don't, it's your own fault.

When the kids are gone, you can sleep in on the weekends but you'll probably still wake up with the birds.

Immediately divest yourself of your child's personal clobber. If you don't, you'll be hanging on to it for at least 10 years, only to be told to toss it.

Of course I miss my kids now they’ve moved out but my house is cleaner and there’s an extra bed to sleep in when my husband snores.

Be alert to the faulty synapsis - it's real.  The thing you’re looking for is in the other room. And probably upstairs. That’s if you can remember what you’re looking for.  There is a reason you have six pairs of reading glasses, five packages of harissa, four apple corers, three sets of stocking hangers (none of which work), two bottles of eye drops and one empty wallet.

Always go out with a list. Or plan to do 3 quick trips to the grocery store so you can finish making supper.

You need a cartel of medical staff to keep your chassis going.  

You get ailments that you’ve never heard of and become a devotee of WebMD.

Your teeth are ready for their second round of fillings, crowns and bridges.  Everything breaks after 20 years (so I'm told by my dentist) but you could swear you just have them filled, capped, crowned, bridged last year.  And it costs a fortune to replace.

You only need one car.

Dash it now, afford it later (direct quote from my Granny Lily Pettit).

"Pettits get into tight spots, yes, but always land on their feet, so don't worry just be brave!" (A pearl of wisdom from my Dad).  

Pride goeth before a fall, (straight from the mouth of my Granny Seth and one which I always hear in my inner ear, when I am about to go "there.")

Put the oxygen mask on first is sound advice even if seems horribly narcissistic.  But think about it.  How can you help others if you don’t take care of you first?

Leave this mortal coil with few regrets but don't regret your regrets; that's what made you the interesting, tolerant, patient, textured person you are.

I asked my hairdresser, when should I stop dying my hair.  He looked at me in shock and horror, "Why when you’re dead of course, and I’ll come to the funeral home to touch up your roots."  

Plan your own funeral and don't be afraid to have the lone piper playing Amazing Grace. It's your last chance to be the Drama Queen and it's guaranteed to make everyone weep.

And as Oprah once said, "Aim to spend all your money before you die so that your funeral check bounces."

Finally, don't forget the words of Andy Dufrense in The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living, or get busy dying."  

I know which one I'm doing.

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